connie collins' journal ~ day 5

So today I had a meltdown - well two meltdowns.

One was with our translator - he asked me how well I knew Haiti and I told him I really did not. He went on to say that Haitian people are proud - that they "stand tall" - that they do not want to take hand outs. But because of the disaster - "the tremble" - and the other political turmoils throughout the years they have had to. They are a resourceful people. And that resourcefulness I have seen everywhere. They are a reserved people who do not easily share their feelings. So when we ask the teachers to tell us what they are thinking or feeling about something they are reticent to do so. I began to tear up and became full of emotion as I listened to him talk about how although he had dreams, he had no way to see them through.

He is a basketball coach to 15 year olds ( i showed him a picture of Mack and told him about Mack and bb). We talked about his favourite team - the Bulls - and how in Haiti bb is a big sport. He loves to play and has played a long time. His favourite player is Duane Wade. He uses all of the American terms for teaching bb - hoop, dribble, three pointer etc. I told him he would make a great teacher because he is such a patient translator and does very well explaining the things and terms to the teachers. He said that he could never do that because he would never make any money since teachers in Haiti make very little and it is not a job with prestige.

And then the second time was outside of our compound. Men come daily to sell the guests in the mission house their wares. Joyce knows some of them from her last visits. I went out today with her with the intention of buying a few things. I looked at the different things for sale and started talking with one of the painters. I bought one of his paintings and as soon as that was complete another man came to sell me things. I bought a few things from him and then another man asked me to look at his wares. It was becoming a little hectic and chaotic - I felt I was being surrounded a bit. I slowly walked backward toward the gate of our compound but by this time I was completely surrounded. There was such desperation in the men's eyes as they wanted me to buy "just one thing madam". Thankfully the man from the compound came out and closed the gate as I walked through, back into the calm of the mission house.

I came up to our room and burst into tears - I have never felt that kind of fear and utter sadness - I realized I cannot help them all - I cannot possibly make their lives better - my few dollars will not solve this huge and horrible problem.

I realize this is not a very happy account of my day today - but this is Haiti. I was told by someone who has lived here that my heart would either turn hard or would break. Well today my heart broke.

So lots of love - I miss you all and would LOVE to hear from you.

Connie